CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 6 | CHAPTER 21

“So the ram on this one is only 512.  If she had two gigs it would be a lot faster.”  It was still Rick’s voice, but I became aware that I wasn’t dreaming anymore.

My father’s voice followed.  “Yeah.  And the new ones have a 2.3 gigahertz processor too which would make a big difference.”  My eyes fixated on the popcorn ceiling while my brain tried to catch up.  Holy shit, they’re in my office.  Those are my gigs they’re talking about.  A blaring siren of alarm flooded my body and propelled me from the bed.

In the three seconds it took to get to my office, I envisioned the potentially disastrous scenarios that could have happened if I hadn’t woken up.  Rick opening one of the saved emails from Dave in front of my dad.  Or maybe my dad at the computer seeing one of the emails first and hiding it from Rick.  Would he cover for me?  Maybe empathize because he had been in this position in the past?

“What are you doing?”  I tried to sound calm, but didn’t succeed.

Rick was sitting at my desk, with my dad crouched over his shoulder.  Their heads turned but Rick’s fingers remained on the keyboard.

“Hey, I thought you dozed off with Jack.”

“No, of course not.  Is your mom still here?”

“No, she took off a while ago.”  I wondered how long I had been asleep.

“I need to do something on my computer.”

“Right now?  I was just about to show your dad… ”

“Yes, right now, please get up.  You can show him whatever you want on your own computer.”

“Well actually I can’t because we were talking about how you need… ”

“I need my computer right now.  I really have to respond to some emails from students.  They’re freaking out because I had to cancel class today when I was at the hospital and they were supposed to deliver their presentations.  I need to get to those messages right away.”  I was doing my best not to sound too panicked, but I was aware that I was missing the mark entirely.  They both looked at me with a mix of suspicion and concern.

“I’m sorry.  I’m just so stressed out about everything.  I never cancel class.  I left my students hanging when they were prepared to give speeches and we have a test during the next class and uhhh, it’s just been such a long day and…”

I remembered something from one of my communication textbooks about the way attorneys coach defendants to respond on the witness stand.  Answers should be brief with very few details.  Going on for too long makes a person appear defensive, sending the message that they have something to hide.  I stood silently waiting for Rick to get up as I positioned my hand over my carotid artery to hide the pulsing vein.

“Fine, go ahead,” he said.  Then he placed his hand on the mouse and everything moved into slow motion as I realized he was about to open the mail program for me.  I leapt in front of him and pulled his hand off the mouse.

“Just let me do it, okay?”

The fear, anxiety, confusion, and suspicion lingered in the room long after they left.  Even when I knew it was a false alarm because there were no new emails from Dave, I couldn’t shake the dirty, shameful feeling.  I hated myself for being so dishonest.