Have you ever cheated? Or at least been tempted? Have you been cheated on? Most people I know have had some form of all these experiences. It was interesting to read Gwyneth’s Paltrow’s take on the issue in a recent interview:
“I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”
Do you agree with Gwyneth? I do. I don’t think it’s the most unforgivable mistake and I adore many, many people who have done it. I’ve also seen the pain and suffering it can cause. I don’t recommend doing it. It’s rarely worth the thrill from what I’ve seen. But, it’s a complicated issue, don’t you think? And since it’s happening so often, shouldn’t we look at it and talk about it honestly?
As I mentioned in my blog on marriage, it’s estimated that up to half of women cheat on their partners at some point. I bet the percentage is actually higher. Experts say that men are more likely to cheat because they cave in to physical desires, while women stray to meet emotional needs that are lacking in their relationship. What are the main reasons for cheating, in your opinion? Do you think a marriage or long-term committed relationship can survive it?
In my novel, Is This All There Is?, the protagonist Beth finds herself struggling to honor her marriage vows in the face of an opportunity to indulge in a tantalizing tryst with a hot young college boy. Her girlfriend Shelly tries to get Beth to see what a huge mistake it would be. Shelly, who has hot sex with her husband, represents women who understand the challenging realities of being a wife and mother, yet strive to make it all work. When Beth and her husband Rick finally kiss each other in a moment of crisis, she feels even more vulnerable than she did kissing the college student. She remembers something Shelly told her after a couple’s retreat: “It’s easy to kiss a stranger. But with the person who sees the best and the worst of you, the one who smells your morning breath and your vomit when you have the flu… we’ll that’s the scariest kind of kiss.”
To counterbalance Shelly’s steadfast fidelity, I created the character Jill, who is based on a combination of women I’ve known. Jill is Beth’s neighbor and by all appearances she has a lovely life with her husband and kids. But Beth discovers that Jill has a dirty little secret, in the form of Kent, who she meets up with for steamy sex under the guise of being in a church choir. When Beth can’t decide what to do about Dave, Jill eggs her on, encouraging her to join the club. She tries to persuade Beth to believe that they both deserve to enjoy the thrill of passion, and that their husbands are incapable of providing it. But Beth is torn. It’s not easy for her the way it is for Jill. Beth tries to listen to Jill’s adulterous accounts without judgment, but at one point she can’t help but bristle at how far Jill is willing to go, fornicating in the marriage bed of her lover and his wife. Beth also can’t help but wonder if Kent would hold the same magnetism for Jill if they were married. During one conversation between the two women, in her mind Beth ponders, “whether Kent would be so appealing to Jill if she had to share a home with him, had to wash his dirty dishes and clean his drips of pee off the toilet seat.”
Those are some of my initial thoughts on infidelity. I’d love to hear yours. Don’t forget the book will be available on 1/3/13. Follow my updates on Twitter and Facebook:
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4 Comments
I remember thinking, when I was much younger (college days), that infidelity was the worst offense a spouse could commit and it would mean instant divorce for me.
It’s easy to take that stance when you haven’t committed to “all your days,” and haven’t even experienced a long term relationship.
As I matured, I realized it wasn’t the WORST offense. I also realized it is a glaring sign that something in the relationship isn’t working.
I’ve never experienced being cheated on (at least to my knowledge) and I’ve never done it to anyone. But I have had crushes on other men since I’ve known my husband. I’ve fantasized about other men. Sometimes for weeks at a stretch.
I once had an intense crush on a man I worked with. I never seriously contemplated acting on it. But it was fun to operate at work in that energy.
All of that said, I have more recently contemplated giving my husband permission to have sex outside of our marriage. He wants it way more than I do. His taste runs to what I would describe as “slutty.” It’s not that I won’t do anything he asks, it’s just that I don’t want to be asked all the time and I don’t want him to feel as though he has to.
But for the same reason I won’t seriously act on a three-way (even though that’s very appealing to me), I think it would lead to irreparable damage to our relationship.
Thank you for your honest post, Allison! When I was younger I felt exactly the same way. But life and a long marriage and kids have changed everything. I’ve had crushes too and I can’t imagine anyone in a long term relationship hasn’t experienced that feeling at some point. I wonder how many women think about giving their husbands the permission you’re considering giving yours. I’ve thought about it too. If one partner wants more sexual activity and frequency, would it be possible to have an arrangement that allows him/her to get it elsewhere? Or would it cause the irreparable damage that you predict? I’m not sure. Any other opinions out there? Thanks again, Allison, for joining in this conversation with me.
I have been married for almost 18 years. We have two teenage daughters. When our daughters were young I was consumed with mothering, I thought that was my most important job. I didn’t neglect my husband, but he definitely no longer was first on my list. He started a business at this time and that consumed him and his time. Add to the equation a self-centered, desperate secretary with low self esteem and you have the fertile environment for an affair. The affair lasted for a long time. I knew in my gut for years but I had no proof. Then one remarkable day I learned how to be a detective and for 6 months I gathered the evidence I needed and confronted him. I would like to tell you it ended there, but the affair continued on and off for another 4 years. We went in and out of counseling, I read books, blogs, joined support groups. At first I thought I needed to change myself, that it was because of me that this happened. And then I realized that I did need to change myself, but not in the way that I initially thought. I needed to focus on getting stronger, having a voice and taking a stand for me. I couldn’t control him or his actions, that was up to him, but I do have power over my choices. I decided to stay in the marriage. Some days I’m grateful that I did, some days I ask myself why. I try not to look too far into the future. I try everyday to make the best choices I can given the stimulus in front of me. I try…
Thank you for sharing your experience, K K. I know you’re not alone. You have grown and learned so much that you can teach others. You are an inspiration to me and to so many. All we can do is try to make every day the best we can. You do it beautifully and with such grace, love, and generosity.