Happily Ever After?the-resort-pelican-hill-wedding

Though my wedding day was nearly 20 years ago, I remember almost every moment of it as if it were last week.  Wait, I don’t actually remember much from last week.  Scratch that analogy.  But seriously, as corny as it sounds my wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life.  I was just 24 years old, blissfully unaware of the fact that I was in the very age group of women getting married (20-24) who are statistically most likely to eventually get divorced.

While the wedding went off without a hitch, the 20-year marriage has had its ups and downs.  As we see many of our friends divorcing, for reasons we fully understand, we hang on, finding more to appreciate about each other than to complain about… most of the time.  But it’s work.  That’s the reality.  In the end, it comes down to basic economics – the daily costs vs. benefits analysis.

There is some disagreement about how many married people in the United States divorce.  Factors such as age at time of marriage, geographical location, socio-economic status, level of education, and many more make it difficult to pin down a clear number.  However, the consensus seems to be this: roughly 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 60 % of second marriages fail, and 70% of third marriages don’t make it.  I guess the third time is not a charm in this case.

Divorce is one way out, but a growing number of women are dealing with their marital dissatisfaction by having affairs.  Estimates of how many women cheat on their partners range from 20-50%.  I’ve seen countless female friends and colleagues allow themselves “a little something on the side” to make life more bearable.  And I’ve been tempted myself.  It’s not a wise choice.  It’s not a kind choice.  But in some cases, it is an understandable choice.  We’ll dive into the topic of infidelity in an upcoming blog.

My husband and I recently read and gained a great deal from John Gray’s book, Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress.  One of the biggest “aha moments” for me (yes, I’m a big Oprah fan, because she tells it like it is) was Gray’s take on how much we should expect a relationship to provide for us.  He says we should be meeting the majority of our own needs, using the metaphor of filling our gas tank to 90%.  Gray claims that if our tank is already 90% full, a good relationship can effectively top us off with that last 10%.  He implies that sadly, many women are only at 50% or less on their own, expecting someone else to provide the rest.  This is a clear setup for relationship failure.  No one can live up to those expectations.

While I do believe marriage can add to a woman’s happiness, if she is already happy, I think we need to to be realistic about the fact that marriage does not necessarily make life easier or better.

The American Psychological Association’s findings are a wake-up call for us all: “Married women report higher levels of stress than single women, with one-third (33 percent) reporting that they have experienced a great deal of stress in the past month (8, 9 or 10 on a 10-point scale) compared with one in five (22 percent) of single women.  Similarly, significantly more married women report that their stress has increased over the past five years (56 percent vs. 41 percent of single women).

Single women are also more likely than married women to say they feel they are doing enough to manage their stress (63 percent vs. 51 percent).  Married women are more likely than single women to report they have experienced the following due to stress in the past month: feeling as though they could cry (54 percent vs. 33 percent), feeling irritable or angry (52 percent vs. 38 percent), having headaches (48 percent vs. 33 percent) and experiencing fatigue (47 percent vs. 35 percent).”

If you’re happily married or you would like to be in the future and don’t like these statistics, please don’t shoot the messenger!  I’m just reporting the research and asking what your opinion is.  So please comment!  Whether you’re married or not,  what are your thoughts on marriage?  Or on committed, monogamous relationships in general?

**I’m compelled to note that I’m an avid supporter of gay and lesbian marriage rights.  So when I refer to marriage or being a wife, I intend to include all women in committed relationships, whether they be legally recognized or not.

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